The 30 Best Jokes and Craziest Moments From Tom Brady’s Netflix Roast, From Gronk Smashing Glasses to Gisele Divorce Puns

Tom Brady Netflix Roast
Getty Images for Netflix

It was a long night for Tom Brady at his live Netflix comedy roast, as it was for the rest of us watching from home.

Starting with a bloody OJ Simpson jersey and ending with Brady smashing an iPhone on stage, the Netflix live event, “The Greatest Roast of All-Time: Tom Brady,” honored the seven-time Super Bowl champion. The modern-day legend faced his biggest challenge yet: being roasted by comedians and his former NFL teammates.

At times hilarious and at others a bit cringe-worthy, the unedited live event was a lengthy affair that made one truly appreciate the editors of the Comedy Central roasts. Their task was to condense the content into a concise, entertaining 60-minute presentation. Here, bits went on far too long, and former football players had glazed looks in their eyes in the background. The comedians who do this for a living performed incredibly well, while the others… well, showed up.

The QB took so many hits regarding his failed marriage to supermodel Gisele Bündchen, which was surprising in moments where it didn’t seem to let up for a single moment, bringing some of the evening’s biggest laughs. Nonetheless, the “joke of the night” came from the GOAT himself when addressing Kim Kardashian and referencing her ex-husband Kanye West: “I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.”

When Kardashian took the stage to toast Brady, she was met with an onslaught of audible boos, but host Kevin Hart came to her aid.

Part of Netflix Is a Joke Fest, “Greatest Roasts of All Time: Tom Brady” featured the former quarterback, known for his 20 seasons with the New England Patriots and three with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, taking humorous jabs from some of the biggest names in comedy. Hosted by Hart and roastmaster Jeff Ross, the event included Brady’s former teammates Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski and Drew Bledsoe, as well as stand-up comics Tom Segura, Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schulz, Bert Kreischer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Jay and more.

“We’re here to roast the greatest quarterback of all time,” Hart quipped. “Oh, wait, Joe Montana’s here?”

A montage of Brady’s achievements, starting from his days at the University of Michigan and highlighting his journey to becoming a three-time NFL MVP, set the stage for the evening.

Brady made a grand entrance onto a stage surrounded by his former teammates, exclaiming to the crowd, “Are you guys ready? It’s game time. Let’s go!”

VIP tables, occupied by Chelsea Handler, Jim Gaffigan, Shane Gillis and Netflix executives Ted Sarandos and Bela Bajaria, encircled the stage, adding to the star-studded atmosphere of the event.

Brady’s former teammate Gronkowski took the spotlight with the most peculiar moments of the night, delivering a sometimes incoherent barrage of jokes that culminated in smashing a glass on the stage, causing it to shatter and send shards flying onto nearby tables.

Here are some of the 30 best jokes and craziest moments from the special (in no particular order):

  • “This is where Jerry Buss laid his dick out. This was called the Fucking Forum.” – Kevin Hart
  • “Tom brought Boston with him tonight. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. This used to be the home of the Lakers; now it’s the home of the Quakers.” – Kevin Hart
  • “It’s been two years since Tom has gotten divorced. And since then, Tom’s been fucking. Tom has been putting that two-inch tool to work. Tom has been fucking so much; his dick has gotten CTE.” — Kevin Hart
  • “You know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man…. eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt?” — Kevin Hart
  • “Chelsea Handler is here… Speaking of Black dick, Kim is here tonight.”
  • “I’ve just come from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.” — Jeff Ross
  • “I had to dress like OJ because I’m about to kill this white bitch right here.” — Jeff Ross
  • “You really put the Jizz in Gisele.” — Jeff Ross
  • “I really wanted Kevin [Hart] to host because he already looks like a deflated football.” — Jeff Ross
  • “Surely, if Mark Twain were around today, he would call you a N…. a national treasure.” — Jeff Ross
  • “I love you, Dana; you’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” — Jeff Ross
  • “We’re doing it Boston-style tonight. You know, it’s going to marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb.” — Jeff Ross
  • “We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn’t have been able to call you gay.” — Jeff Ross
  • “Tom Brady. Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings — well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back. The only thing dumber than saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’” — Nikki Glaser
  • “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?”– Jeff Ross
  • “Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?” — Randy Moss
  • “The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.” — Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer
  • “I love your movies, or as I like to call them, short films.” — Nikki Glaser towards Kevin Hart
  • “Your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “Tom also lost $30 million in crypto… Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that’s not real money.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. Sorry, that was a Gisele quote” — Andrew Schulz
  • “Or, as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” — Julian Edelman
  • “This stage has seen more trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.” — Andrew Schulz
  • “ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell.” — Andrew Schulz
  • “Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that, your entire career?” — Tony Hinchcliffe
  • “Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like the Tiger King, and the Liver King only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King, who got beat up by Rodney King.” — Tony Hinchcliffe
  • “Your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on; just because you put it on doesn’t mean it’s real.” — Sam Jay
  • “My kids now excuse themselves to the bathroom by saying I have to go take a Brady.” — Peyton Manning
  • “Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: block, catch, don’t murder.” — Tom Brady
  • “You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I mean, I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.” — Nikki Glaser

Matt Donnelly contributed to this report.

From Variety US