James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump opened Saturday’s “SNL” with a series of increasingly ridiculous “urgent” phone calls to Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson), Melania Trump (Chloe Fineman) and Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost).
First up was Woods, who Trump rang up from the Oval Office to say: “Tiger! It’s Donald! What’s going on, are you playing in the Masters this weekend?
Woods responded: “No, sir. I don’t know if you remember but I flipped my car and got a DUI.”
“Oh, right. A DUI,” Trump said (making DUI sound like dewy), adding: “As in, ‘Do he drive on pills?’ Yes he do.”
Woods complimented POTUS on his joke, then Trump said to Woods he “should have told the cops we were friends, they would have let you off.”
“Well, I did and they didn’t,” Woods said, to which Trump responded: “If only there was something I could have done to help. Oh well, want to play some golf?”
“I’m actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment,” Woods said, before Trump hung up on him and answered a call from his wife, Melania.
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In a bit referencing a press conference the real Melania Trump called earlier this week to announce she was not associated with Jeffrey Epstein, Fineman’s Melania told her husband, “Listen, I decided I should do a big, random speech, completely out of nowhere, and say I am not Epstein victim. Is that good?”
“Darling, I gotta admit, this sounds a little insane. Who are you? Me?”
After wrapping up with Melania, Trump called Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to check in on the war in Iran.
“Well, rest assured, sir, Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night, allegedly,” Jost’s Hegseth said. “We’ve destroyed everything. We wet their willies, tapped their sacks, and purpled every single nurple. You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again, which is a great sign of the ceasefire. This time we’re fighting millennial cringe by letting 40 year olds join the military. Yeah, put that finger mustache to work pulling a trigger.”
Hegseth then asked if Trump was really negotiating a ceasefire.
“Don’t worry about the negotiations, I just heard they’re going really, really bad,” Trump assured. “I sent in my secret weapon, JD Vance. After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to JD, they said, ‘Please, sir, just go back to bombing us.’”
Watch the cold open below.
From Variety US